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Blinded by the idea and the want of what everyone else seems to have accomplished. I do make the friends. I do make the connections. But then the knock comes, and its goodbyes all over again. Each time a small chip of the heart. Again. And again. And again. Numbness.

 

Never a second chance.


Contentment.


I don’t get it.
I don’t understand this anger.
I don’t know where it is coming from,
and why it won’t go away.

I am finally settled.
Or as close to is as a person can be in my situation.
Then why is it not enough?

Why won’t this anger go away?
And why so impulsive?
Why so sensitive?

This is not who I want to be.


What is the worst I ask?

The worse, I say, is seeing your parents hurt inside.

Actually that would be something really bad.

Worse, is when you can’t do anything to take their pain away.

That is the worst.


Today I said it.
Today I said what I had been meaning to say for days.
Today I actually did.
And I thought I’d be frightened and whisper the words if I ever got the courage.
But I was confident and sure of my decision.
This, hopefully, will make it better.
Because I don’t want it to be like this.
And because this isn’t how horrible it should feel.
Now, I just wait.
And hope.


Perhaps,
This is what sense I can make out of it..
I do these little things.
I say these little things.
Hoping to spark a little jealousy.
So that maybe.
Maybe..
You’re reminded that I do have more options.
So maybe, you’ll appreciate me more.
And you won’t take me for granted.
And I’m not saying you do, but just incase you’re about to..
And hopefully, you’ll just end up holding me tighter.
Securing your grip.
Realizing that you do need to make that extra effort.
Even if I say I’m here to stay.
Just to show me that I’m worth the hassle.
And that even though you know I’m not going anywhere.. You’re not willing to take the risk.
And you’re willing to have me closer just for the hell out it.

And just maybe, I like the idea of you having to fight for me. But I won’t push it, at least for now ;)


Too messed up.
Things are too messed up.
Relationships are hard.
Friendships are tough.
But above all, people are just too dramatic.

Oh but don’t be fooled.
I cause a lot of my own drama.
Perhaps without even knowing it.

Make it simple.
Its best that way.


Empty.

 


Tell me?

Would you catch me if I fell? Would you hold me so I wouldn’t cry any longer? Would you look into my eyes and tell me it will be okay and mean it? Would you wake me up and tell me that I look beautiful regardless that my hair is messy? Would you know when I’m hurting? Would you jump with me when I’m screaming with joy? Would you hold my hand and just enjoy the silence of the sunrise? Will you let me drive you crazy? Will you let me explode when I have to? Will you let me whine? And will you let me be show you my beautiful soul.. when I get it back?

Because sometimes, I think you won’t…


Best friends are truly the best.
And you my friend, you are the definition of the best.. :)