Difficulty typing as my palms burn a little. Why? Because I’ve been clapping way too hard. Actually, maybe not hard enough.
There are two other instances that my palms burn like this – when I do mataam and when I slap my hand on a hard surface out of anger. Anger of not being heard. Anger of being restricted.. silenced. Thats the word I’m looking for – silenced!
I’m sitting here with 4 minutes left on “My Next Guest with David Letterman – ‘Kanye West’ ” episode. I have it paused at 51:13.
You know my love for numerology.
51 – you know.
13 – my lucky number.
I clapped really hard. I stopped clapping to take in the messages.
“Gold Digger” as most people close to me know, is one of my all time favourite songs. You will immediately see my mood change for the “better” when the song is played. My husband uses it against me.. as husbands do lol.
The song speaks to me on so many levels;
Because I’ve been called gold digger multiple times.
Kanye West just has a way of putting things into words that I’m not able to verbalize
“Get down girl..” no, its not sexual for me. It means “be silenced” “shut up” “let the grown ups/mens/professionals speak”
Just because a man provides for a woman does not mean that the woman is not providing for the man financially or any other way.
Kanye is able to look past the ego.
He is able to describe women realistically (I use both of these terms lightly) without making them feel “less – than”
“Gold Digger” is just a smart woman who knows her needs and is able to find someone that can meet them, but not losing herself in the process.. and making sure to meet the needs of the man. It shouldn’t be one-sided.
Anyways, I could probably write a thesis on just this song.
Now, the Netflix episode..
Kanye and Letterman talk about art in all its forms ; music, fashion, paintings, light rooms, instruments etc.
They talk about creativity. And, Kanye talks about mental illness whilst relating with all races, genders, sexualities etc. At the end of the day it’s all fluid anyway.
Like I’ve been saying for years.
Labels. Connotations. Vibes. However you want to classify it, it all comes down to the meaning (like I do with numbers) that you give.
I agreed with pretty much everything Kanye talked about. The part that I pressed pause on talks about instruments and religion. It answers why there are some music that makes me angry and why some just brings the good out in me.
It is worth a watch.
But only if you’re able to be open-minded and just accept.
It has been a while. A very long while. The thoughts never ended. They are hidden now behind the thick covers of my diary disguised by messy handwriting. But also mostly in the memories of those special souls that have stayed by my side through the long days over the fast years.
Am I the same? I believe so, still true to my roots. I just know myself better.. I know which buttons to press and when to close the door to the darkness that I never want to be lost in again.
I am happy, or more so content. Happiness is a journey, and not a destination. A feeling that comes in extremities and some days where it is lost in the air ready to find me again.
I am still on the path of success that will take handfuls of years to still reach.. but knowing me I’ll never reach the final location, continually making stops that will only add to my growth.
The people I wrote about in these past posts are still part of my life, the bond still available, just never tapped into anymore.
Life happens.
I understand now that sometimes you just have to loosen the grip.
You, however, are still my favourite character.
And the red hearts are still present.
And I still seek the snowflakes and the pink nose.
Blinded by the idea and the want of what everyone else seems to have accomplished. I do make the friends. I do make the connections. But then the knock comes, and its goodbyes all over again. Each time a small chip of the heart. Again. And again. And again. Numbness.
Today I said it.
Today I said what I had been meaning to say for days.
Today I actually did.
And I thought I’d be frightened and whisper the words if I ever got the courage.
But I was confident and sure of my decision.
This, hopefully, will make it better.
Because I don’t want it to be like this.
And because this isn’t how horrible it should feel.
Now, I just wait.
And hope.
Perhaps,
This is what sense I can make out of it..
I do these little things.
I say these little things.
Hoping to spark a little jealousy.
So that maybe.
Maybe..
You’re reminded that I do have more options.
So maybe, you’ll appreciate me more.
And you won’t take me for granted.
And I’m not saying you do, but just incase you’re about to..
And hopefully, you’ll just end up holding me tighter.
Securing your grip.
Realizing that you do need to make that extra effort.
Even if I say I’m here to stay.
Just to show me that I’m worth the hassle.
And that even though you know I’m not going anywhere.. You’re not willing to take the risk.
And you’re willing to have me closer just for the hell out it.
And just maybe, I like the idea of you having to fight for me. But I won’t push it, at least for now ;)
Intersoul's Blog 